stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
