Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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