you guys were way drunker than both of me
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
