I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
