the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
