dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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