Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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