i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
