im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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