We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
