I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
