47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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