you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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