Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
