so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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