I just saw a hot homeless man
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
