it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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