So drunk its hurt
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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