I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My ATM looks so different sober.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The air taste purple.
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