Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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