She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
