Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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