yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
