Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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