I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
