he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
