I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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