I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
