His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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