omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
