Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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