Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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