Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
