my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
