When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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