I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I stole a fireplace last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
