You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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