Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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