I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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