You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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