just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
