My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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