Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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