We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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