When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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