I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
