I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
