Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
the liver wants what the liver wants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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