I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
