There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
