Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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