Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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