just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize