he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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