my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
