$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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